Your hips don't lie: They need a lipo

Recently, acting upon my New Year's resolutions, I began taking Tae Kwon Do classes again. I had been forced to drop out last year due to a scheduling conflict with college, but having taken this quarter off, I suddenly found myself with the time and energy to try it out again.

I attended the first couple classes and was thrilled to find out they decided to move the class to another gym, trading up from the dirty, cramped space we used to have. Now, there was ample room; about 4 times as much and more than we ever will need, I presume.

However it would be this very fact would come back to bite us in the ass a couple days ago, when I came across a social phenomenon that baffled me so. Disgusted me mostly, but it baffled me so.

Due to a scheduling mishap, we were forced to share our oversized "dojo" with a belly dancing class. Predictably, my thoughts upon first hearing the news were simply "Awesome!". As I entered the room, filled with glee and great expectations, they all came crashing down faster than I could descend to the bottom of the stairs. With the exception of the instructor- who was certifiably hot- they were all FAT. We're not talking about being a couple pounds overweight either, I'm talking about "please staple my stomach" fat.

I don't get it, I really don't. I cannot fathom what would ever posses anyone who is unapologetically overweight to such a degree to take such a class, bare stomach and all. I can't help but think that the finger of fault can only be pointed to one person: Shakira. Even Wikipedia, home of the subjective fact, admits that "belly dancing has recently been made widely popular" by this woman, who I am sure had only the best of intentions. When you get down to it, I truly don't blame her for this. Why? Because she looks good doing it. She looks sexy as hell. The difference is YOU DON'T.

We were all wowed by her hypnotic hips and worm-like movements and, once the word got out of what a great exercise belly dancing is, all the fatties seem to have decided this would be the way they would finally shed those several (dozen) extra pounds they've been carrying their whole lifetime. Not spinning, not jogging, not Tae Bo, not Richard Simmons tapes, not anorexia nor bulimia, and certainly not exercising in the privacy of their own home as mercy would intend. Belly dancing would be the answer for their prayers, not only burning 330 calories for a one hour work out, but also strengthening the muscles in their stomach.

I guess the question begging to be asked is "Why god, why?". Don't you cruel blubbery fools understand that people around you are cursed not only with vision, but also a common appreciation of aesthetics? This is not the 20's anymore. "Chubby" is no longer considered attractive; it's considered abhorrent, apathetic and downright slothful. Nobody wants to see your untanned creases of fat bounce up and down, flaccidly bumping into each other; shaking and sweating, flailing and flapping, bobbing and twitching like pudding gone bad. It's uncalled for.

It's no secret that I am currently a good 10 pounds overweight myself, but you don't see me flaunting around, barebelly, and contorting in ways in which the word "unflattering" falls disappointingly short. No, you see me buying a spinning bike and going to Tae Kwon Do, exercising 6 days a week. I tell you people and I've told you before, no matter how many ab crunches you may do each day, if you have a 30 pound layer of fat between your skin and muscles, you will never have a six pack. You need to first lose all this fat, and then you can tone your stomach to look nice and firm. These people are skipping that step altogether and just publicly embarrassing not only their robust physique, but their frail wits and cockeyed grasp of reality.

So please, before you put on your Turkish belly dancer costume and proceed to "lose weight in a fun, artistic way", please take the following into account: As much as it may seem to you, it is definitely not fun or artistic to the rest of us. It will not awe any living creature as much as it will send it running for the nearest available crapper. Have some consideration, heck, have some compassion. STOP.